A.B’s Dad

Warning ! This is a moment of transparency!

Would it be terrible of me to say that for the last couple of days I have been craving AB’s Dad? That I’ve been wanting to smell his colon? That I’ve been wanting to hold his hand even after I fall asleep? That every time he leaves my skin starts to boil?

I know what you’re thinking… "Using him to fill a void is unhealthy". But is is wrong? And as cliché as this sounds, I’m not sure I want to be right. Something about laying up under the person who created that life with me brings me peace. Only for a second though cause once he starts talking bout "Alright , I gotta head out" I could throw a glass at his head.

This experience made me feel as if he’s been listening for the last couple of months. As I was being prepared for surgery he asked questions that made me snap my neck a little. It was like wait a minute now how you remember this and not the other thing I told you! But I guess it’s the important things that matter.

This experience has made him soft. Although he remains silent, it has made him kind and comforting I might add. Truth is he was always these things. Just not at surface level. While the idea of having sex is the last thing on my mind and really far from what I want, I know this version of him would have received the best version of me (sorry mom and dad). The slow version. Gentle, yet intentional. Heavy breathing , just might say "I love you" version. But, that’s another topic for another day.

For now, I’ll continue to numb the pain away with kisses to his forehead and scooting all the way back into his stomach. Sitting in the dark with nothing but silence surrounding us. Watching him fall asleep and counting his breath just to make sure we’re still in sync.

From his side of my bed,

Daph