April 24th, 2022

On April 24th, 2022 I lost a baby. After carrying her for four months I began to envision the life I’d have with her. The life I’d have with them. How I’d manage her and Carter on my own. How I’d continue to be the best mom I could be. How I’d share my love and make it enough for the both of them but on April 24th I lost a baby, and now I’ll never know what that life will ever really be like.

On April 24th I lost a baby. Naturally on April 25th I expressed my pain and instead of asking "Is she okay?" you asked ”was it yours". On April 25th the rage began. I suppressed it to the best of my ability but at the end of it all here I am sitting in my hospital bed ready to flip a table because on April 24th I lost my freaking baby. I don’t even know what I did wrong and instead of trying to understand that, you’re trying to understand the logistics. The mere breakdown of genetics.

Why does it even matter? At the end of the day when the kids go to bed it’s me tucking them in. It’s me who grew them from my womb, me who knew them, and bonded with them. I’m the one with their best interest in mind. Now of course, we love "Daddy" as much as our hearts allow. He’s there when he can be, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. He helps in his own way and shows up the way he knows how. But Daddy doesn’t know this pain. Daddy doesn’t understand that on April 24th, I lost a baby. On April 24th, I lost a piece of me.

Amara baby, I’ve cried for you since the day I realized I was losing you. I’m crying for you now. Im still trying to understand it all but all I feel is anger. Angry because I didn’t get to show you all mommy had to offer. Angry because I‘ve been preparing Carti for a love he’ll never experience. Angry because you’ll never come home to us. Blazey girl, I have prayed for time to go back just far enough for me to save you.

On April 24th I lost a baby. Her name was and is Amara Blaze S. I could barely look at her when she came out. I was hoping it wasn’t real. But as I look at her now for the first and last time, I have finally accepted it all. I know this rage will consume me. I know from here on out my days will be dark. I know I have to keep moving forward but it’s hard to say when that will be. Now most of all, I know April 24th is a memory that will never leave me.

Enraged,

Daph an angry mother