Follow up

I went to see my OB for the first time since AB’s passing and all she could tell me was "I’m sorry , I don’t know why this happened to you". We opened up the medical notes from that night, looked at the blood cultures from the days prior, and even took a glance at my last ultrasound and there was nothing. Not even a clue as to what happened or where things went wrong.

I thought I would find comfort in knowing that I did what needed to be done and that it wasn’t my fault but somehow now I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could point a finger, place blame, know how to prevent this outcome next time. I would feel better knowing that there was a reason God thought I wasn’t worthy enough to bring my child into this world alive.

I went to see my OB for the first time since AB’s passing and all she could tell me was "Things aren’t getting better". We went over healing plan after healing plan and all the numbers I can call in case of emergency. We went over my evaluation and antidepressants. We went over so much more but between seeing all the other moms and their blessings being wrapped around their waists and not knowing "why" I wasn’t one of them, I had already checked out of this appointment.

She asked me about my recovery and if there was anything that could be getting in the way of my progress and realistically what isn’t getting in the way? All I keep hearing is "you should be resting". But whose going to take care of everything while I do. "You shouldn’t be lifting Carter". Well who else is going to get him in and out of the car, up the stairs, and into my apartment when he refuses to walk. It’s almost as if you guys have forgotten the realities of life I live.

Regressing,

Daph