Healing

Healing is hard. Pushing myself to grow is hard. Being anything other than sad is hard. This whole freaking experience is just hard. I find myself reading all types of self help books and listening to podcast after podcast only to be motivated for a moment then back to square one once all the hype has settled.

I wake up, make my bed, and throw on some brows in hopes of getting myself into the habit of starting fresh each and everyday but come the last stroke of the pencil, I find myself curling back into the bed I just made. Untucking the sheets I just spent my precious time folding into the depths of darkness like the housekeepers at a luxury hotel.

Hours later I decide to try again by opening up all the blinds, letting some light in and forcing myself to eat a bowl of cereal. I move to the living room to open up my laptop thinking I’ll get some work done and that "today will be the day" but then something comes over me and I realize I’ve been sitting at a powerless screen for hours. Lunch time comes and a bottle of water will suffice.

I get on these routine calls with one of my family members each day and assure them everything is fine and I’m doing okay when really I’m not even sure what state I’m in. I feel like I’m watching my life pass me by from the outside looking in. I see a lifeless being moving on autopilot. Life is living me, while I wish I had the motivation to live life.

By the time I try to will my self up again I notice the sun has gone back down and all thats left to do is get back into bed. I haven’t done a single thing but try and for the last few days this is where we be been stuck. Wanting to move on but not having the strength to do so.

Stumped,

Daph