Just another "L"

You ever experience something so often that you stopped being shocked when it happens? It almost becomes second nature to you. You begin to expect it even. Well, that’s where I am with "loss". Over the last 3-5 years of my life I have experienced loss after loss and after these last few months I’m convinced that loss and I were ment to be.

I’ve lost friends. Family. Opportunities. Love. Anything you can imagine, I’ve experienced losing it and quite frankly somewhere along the lines I’ve lost myself. I’m breathing air into this body but I am no longer alive. I haven’t been for a while now. I’m surviving but, oh to have lived! To have looked back and truly say that life was good to me.

I’ve always made it my goal to give Carter a life that he could look back and smile upon but over time this goal has become impossible. Everything I’ve worked for, the sacrifices, the blood, sweat, and tears were all in vain because somehow "loss" has been working just as hard. Creeping up behind me before I got the chance to say "swiper no swiping”.

Today I realized that the more I lose, the more it is made known to me that I never really had anything at all. I am no longer afraid to lose. I am no longer holding on to the things I’m being lended because they too will soon be taken from me. Today "loss" looked me in the face and told me that I would have nowhere to go and I shrugged. Just another thing to add to the list.

indifferent,

Daph