Me, Myself, and I

Each and everyday I hear talk of how "strong" I am and how "happy" I seem and it never ceases to amaze me. I'm constantly being complimented on this glow that I seem to posses when there are days when I can't even seem to find the light. Often times I cringe at the sound of these statements because that is probably the opposite of what I am, yet still everything I long to be. Despite trying my best to keep it together, I'm still human. I still feel. I still need time to heal and after being hurt time and time again these wounds are nearly impossible to mend. For nights on end I find that I'm crying myself to sleep and its not just because of him. Now I must say, while he does play a major role in the cause of my distress, he certainly isn't the only one.

I still feel alone. I still sometimes feel as if the whole world is against me. There are times where the only thing keeping me alive is the fact that there is a being inside of me who deserves a chance and there was a time where even that wasn't enough. There are days where life seems meaningless. Where my presence seems unnecessary and the only way to achieve complete peace is by giving up the very air that we breathe. It's never "Can I do anything to help you" but always "can you help me?". Never "how are you?" Instead its "Can you book this for me?" Way to often will I confide in someone only for them to run and report back to "massa" as if i'm not allowed to breathe without his permission. As if I don't deal with him enough on my own. I still feel the stares and catch every dirty look thrown my way. I still respond with "I'm fine" when nothing about my situation is "fine". I take all the judgement for being in this position as if i did it to myself. As if I somehow forced him into bed with me against his will. I still sit as pretty as possible while sides are being chosen and never is it mine. Never is anyone rooting for me. No one ever prays that I'll ill make it out alive. While you wish for her sanity, you wish for my demise. Is it fair? No, But that's the life I live.

However, what I've come to realize is that no matter what, I've always had Me, Myself, and I. I've always been the one to wipe my own tears. I find comfort in myself. I am my own superhero. I'm the only one who will ever advocate for me while friends will sit and watch me self destruct. I've never had anyone believe in me and I won't expect that to start now. Love is somehow something that always skips over me. I'm so used to seeing the storms that the thought of seeing the sunshine is merely a figment of my imagination. I carry my own weight. I lean on myself and that's why I'm "strong". I seem "happy" because a part of me hopes that if I can pretend long enough it'll start to feel real. I come off this way because despite how I'm feeling I know that I can't give up on myself. Especially when everyone else has.

Withholding nothing,

Daph the...

Just Daph