Passing Judgment

The more people mention how they feel about me being pregnant with a second child, the more justified I feel about my decision not to tell anyone. The amount of unwanted opinions and negative reactions are the EXACT thing I wanted to avoid. I’m already hard on myself as it is and believe me, the pressure I apply to making sure things happen in my own life is unmatched.

I wanted to escape the "how could you"’s and "why would you keep"’s and everything else anyone had to say about it. I needed to put a pause on the "I could never“‘s and the "what are you gonna do"‘s. I wanted to protect the little peace I had left so I decided that when the time came, I would share the news gradually. I didn’t need anyone telling me anything I already knew.

For some reason when people find out you’re going through something , they are quick to mention what they would have done differently or what you should have done differently. They’re always so fixated on changing the past but ignore the idea of moving forward with the cards that have been dealt. Never have gotten “How can I help" as an initial response. I say that to say that even though I’ll get it done on my own, nobody has stoped long enough to give me the option.

Now on the contrary, when people find out you’ve been through something and didn’t feel safe enough to share while it was happening they finally stop and think about you. They start to think about how sad it is to know that someone they knew, felt so alone. I see the sadness in the eyes of you all when we speak. Every congratulations I received this weekend was covered in sorrow.

Truth be told, if there had been any other outcome with AB the love I’ve received wouldn't have been this strong. I would still be juggling self doubt, judgment, and millions of questions. Today, I am broken. Today, I am holding on by a thread. Today is a bad day. I don’t know if I’ll make it out this time.

Love,

Daph